Lonely or Alone?

Have you ever been a room full of people and still felt all alone? This happens to me - especially in crowds. I struggle with social anxiety - I would say it is new - but it's not - I have struggled with this as long as I can remember. There have also been times when I have not struggled as much with it. Personally, though, I don't mind being alone. There are times I choose alone because I already feel lonely- and times I am still lonely even if I am not alone. Sometimes I need to be alone - alone with my own thoughts; alone - away from my kids and the chaos of my life. Sometimes I choose to be alone because I don't have to put myself out there emotionally or physically for others.

There are times that I don't want to be alone. I don't like to be alone at night - I don't like the aloneness that comes from Richard being gone. I don't like the aloneness of not having my mom. I don't like that empty feeling that comes when you think the whole world is in on some big secret that you somehow don't know - or the loneliness that comes from missing your best friend and sister - both thousands of miles away.

While I do believe that being alone is a choice - I don't think any of us chooses to feel lonely - I think we all desire to be connected to others - to have close, meaningful relationships. And I do have close relationships - but I would still say my tendency, my comfort zone - is to be alone.

I am not sure where this part of my personality comes from. An insecurity? A fear? I know it is something that I need to be ever-aware of - because it can quickly lead me down some dark roads...