Pillows, Panic and Prayer...

On this morning, I am tired.... I never sleep well when Richard is out of town - and last night was no exception. I got the kids off to school, then climbed back into my cozy bed with my cat, my dog and my coffee. Am I feeling sad or just tired? I have a million things to do - cleaning, orgainizing, phone calls, packing up my mom's things for my dad, getting some items ready for a charitable donation, excercise, life... but my bed is comfy, my coffee is hot - my dog is snuggly.

So I settle in and read my emails - trying to collect my thoughts for the day. I got a message that I have Bible group tonight and we are having a scripture reading - we are supposed to come with our "personal scripture" for 2010... panic sets in. I am not feeling very spiritual lately, and I certainly haven't given thought to my own personal "scripture" to define my life in the coming year. I know January is supposed to bring a host of New Year's resolutions - but I didn't make any. Part of me feels this sense of terror when I think of setting goals for the day - let alone the year!

My heart was drawn to this - John 14:1-3 - "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust God; trust also in me." - but my heart is troubled, and I don't feel like I trust God. Not for any valid reason - I know in my head that His promises are true - and he has not "failed me." I am reminded of the scripture that was my "rock" when I was a young Christian - Jeremiah 29:11-14 - "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and will bring you back from captivity."

I guess this is my scripture once again, because I see that I am not seeking God with all my heart. I am not praying to God so that he will listen to me. I am in captivity - captive to my own thoughts of insecurity and fear.

Sometimes it is the simplest of things... not the huge lofty goals we think we need to make - just a step in the "right" direction. I finish my coffee, leave the comfort of my pillow behind and pray that God will ease my troubles...