A New Year

So January has arrived - as it does every year! It is sad for me to take down the Christmas decorations - I love my home decorated for the holiday. It is a bittersweet thing to take the decorations all down. It feels empty, but it also seems fresh and new and clean - spaces that are waiting to be filled or made over! Kind of like my life right now. While part of me feels empty, there are the parts that are new, and fresh and clean and parts that are indeed waiting to be filled and so many to be "made over."

Last winter was hard for me - I fell into a deep depression, unlike anything I had ever experienced. Just acknowledging that I was depressed was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Telling my husband and a dear friend were just as hard, and I actually hung up on the doctor's office 2 times before calling and making an appointment. I came out of that depression- with help and medication. My doctor was so supportive, my husband was the best, I had a couple really great friends help me through that as well. But, my whole year was hard - personally, professionally, emotionally, spiritually. I had a couple surgeries last year, then my parents came - and then the loss of my mom.

I was trying to reflect on a question put forth to me just this week by a friend from Church. What was I successful at in 2009? I am filled with a sense of empty on this one. Part of me feels myself headed back down the road of depression and social anxiety and isolation- I know it is there - lurking! I am determined to be medication-free (I am not oppossed to medication - I just have done really well off of it for 6 months now - I don't want to start all over - but I do have the rx if needed!) So I wonder, what was I succesful at in 2009?? Well, personally, I lost 25-30 pounds and got more active. I worked hard to keep my family happy, and healthy - loved my kids, and my husband. I worked hard at my job, I made my home a refuge from the world for family and friends. I took care of my mom in a time of her greatest need. I sat and held her hand when she died. I tried to make a new home for my dad. I may not have given my whole heart to people - or been the friend, the hostess the person I had been in the past... but I perservered - I am still here - still faithful. So, I guess that is my success for 2009 - not so much anything that I "did" but just that I "am."

I am trying to look forward to this new year - a time to dream new dreams, set new goals, do new things, make new friends, strengthen my bonds with old friends...So I will welcome this new year, the way I welcome the new day.