Just Some Ramblings on a Bad Day!

Have you ever had a friendship that just ended - badly? I have...

I had a friend in my life that on many occassions I layed my life down for. It was a difficult friendship but I loved her with my whole heart. But, things happen - we are NOT perfect people. I am NOT a perfect person - I fail! Badly! So I would say we are no longer friends - but we run in the same circles and see each other weekly and each time I do, I feel every good thing drain out of me - I become sad with her very presence in a room - and I cry at sound of her name - that makes me angry and resentful and bitter - and I confess I don't like it at all! I don't like that I give up a piece of who I am to her - that I let my happiness reside in a place it doesn't belong!

Over a year ago now, I spent some time in a deep depression and have shared that openly - it was during this time our friendship went badly. She had major life needs - she needed me - and I let her down. I tried to apologize...but have never truly felt forgiven. I hate that I let this person have this power over me - things in my life are good - I am happy! So why today?? Why did she have to enter my home and treat me badly and bring back those sad feelings all over again? Why does everyone else love her so and are so drawn to her?

I can't help but take it personally - that I am not worthy of her friendship - but that others are - that I am not worthy of civility even. I keep thinking I am past the point where it matters anymore...that I can't control her - that I have to move forward with the sense that I can't control how others behave, whom others love and how and when people offer forgiveness. But I guess I learned today - I am not over it - it is still so painful.

I am not trying to air some "dirty laundry" - my intent is not to make this person feel bad - or feel anything at all. And please understand - I am not blaming her for our relationship ending - I own that as my doing. I am just feeling extremely sad and trying to work through it. So this is the ramlings of my heart and mind at the moment.

The message I am trying to send myself lately is that I am a smart, beautiful woman - I don't need to define myself by how much I have, my weight, my job, my friends, my car, my home, my kids or my husband, or my level of commitment to my Church, - I am trying to tell myself that I can just be me - and that I am enough!! I hate set-backs - I hate having this self-doubt and insecurtiy!!