A Time of Remembrance...

A year has passed since you parted.
It hardly seems possible.
Like a passing breeze
or the ripple of a wave before it crashes on the shore.
Here, and then gone.
Time has moved forward.
FAST forward!
In some ways I have moved forward too.
Yet in other ways, at other times - I feel stuck.
Sometimes, sadness comes and envelops me in darkness...
But, more often, it doesn't.
And that is almost harder.
In the sadness, I see you.
I remember you.
I keep your memory alive.
In moving on, I feel I may forget,
everything that you were,
all that you meant.
So, today I am taking a moment
to sit and remember.
To give myself permission
to simply be...
Happy or sad - I know that it doesn't change
anything about you.

Just Some Ramblings on a Bad Day!

Have you ever had a friendship that just ended - badly? I have...

I had a friend in my life that on many occassions I layed my life down for. It was a difficult friendship but I loved her with my whole heart. But, things happen - we are NOT perfect people. I am NOT a perfect person - I fail! Badly! So I would say we are no longer friends - but we run in the same circles and see each other weekly and each time I do, I feel every good thing drain out of me - I become sad with her very presence in a room - and I cry at sound of her name - that makes me angry and resentful and bitter - and I confess I don't like it at all! I don't like that I give up a piece of who I am to her - that I let my happiness reside in a place it doesn't belong!

Over a year ago now, I spent some time in a deep depression and have shared that openly - it was during this time our friendship went badly. She had major life needs - she needed me - and I let her down. I tried to apologize...but have never truly felt forgiven. I hate that I let this person have this power over me - things in my life are good - I am happy! So why today?? Why did she have to enter my home and treat me badly and bring back those sad feelings all over again? Why does everyone else love her so and are so drawn to her?

I can't help but take it personally - that I am not worthy of her friendship - but that others are - that I am not worthy of civility even. I keep thinking I am past the point where it matters anymore...that I can't control her - that I have to move forward with the sense that I can't control how others behave, whom others love and how and when people offer forgiveness. But I guess I learned today - I am not over it - it is still so painful.

I am not trying to air some "dirty laundry" - my intent is not to make this person feel bad - or feel anything at all. And please understand - I am not blaming her for our relationship ending - I own that as my doing. I am just feeling extremely sad and trying to work through it. So this is the ramlings of my heart and mind at the moment.

The message I am trying to send myself lately is that I am a smart, beautiful woman - I don't need to define myself by how much I have, my weight, my job, my friends, my car, my home, my kids or my husband, or my level of commitment to my Church, - I am trying to tell myself that I can just be me - and that I am enough!! I hate set-backs - I hate having this self-doubt and insecurtiy!!

The end of Summer - The end of the longest year...

Summer is winding down - school is about to begin and I am reflecting that this August marks the one year anniversary of my parents moving here to Texas. This was a year that forever changed all of us.

The obvious is that my mom died this past year. But it is so much more than that. The countless hours spent caring for mom - the tears cried, the sleep lost, the job drama I had to go through, the redefining our family with my dad. The kids adjusting to having my parents here - and then to not having my mom. Redefining friendships.

On top of all of that - I went through a couple surgeries - and recoveries - and some major weight gain - eck! I battled my own demons of loneliness and depression - of self-doubt and insecurity. I questioned my place in Church, in my job, in the world. Even now, I am about to have another surgery - and am changing jobs! So it seems that the change and uncertainty and "drama" just never end around here.

So here I am one year later...on the cusp of my kids starting 2nd, 6th and 8th grade - my dad is feeling better - and doing okay. I quit my job!! I am getting ready to start a new career/job. This is all unfamiliar territory - but an adventure in the making for sure! I have not worked full time M-F 8a-5p EVER in my career as a nurse - and certainly not since having children.

We just returned home from an impromptu vacation - spurred by me changing jobs - and having a little "extra" money from refinancing our house. Sometimes the good things fall into our laps when we aren't looking, aren't expecting...

In all that this last year has brought to us - stress, heartache, love, laughter, trying times, sadness, loss, gain, weakness, strength...it has brought us here - to a new start - a new school year, a new job - a new beginning - very different than where we were one year ago today. It is with some sadness that we move forward - that is ever-present - but more so we move forward with a sense of expectation of the good that is to come.

Reflections on a Summer Day...

It has been quite a while since I have written anything. Life has settled into a quiet chaos - and I am feeling more at peace with my life.

I spent last week at summer Church camp with Brenna - both of our first times to go. This week it has just been her and I while the rest of the family is at Church camp. I have been filled with a sense of how good life is.

As we played with friends in our pool - I was filled with a gratitude for this life I have been given. The priveledge it is to be my kids mom, and Richard's wife. A welcome relief that I could be off work this week and that Richard could volunteer his time (and take a week's vacation from work) to serve the kids at camp. I know that I have been entrusted with much in my life - and thus I need to be a good steward of all these blessings. In the simplicity of just floating in my pool - I am grateful that I have this home, this family, this crazy life to call my own.

My dad has not been feeling well - quite often dizzy and short of breath. I spent the morning at the dr. with him - to find out he needs a pacemaker for an abnormal heart rhythm - and pauses in his heart rate/rhythm lasting nearly 3 seconds. At times I can feel so overwhelmed with my dad living here - and then I am reminded how short and fragile life is - and to relish this time - to embrace what I have been given.

There are still hard days, there are still sad moments - sometimes I just don't know when they will come - but they are coming less often.

Lying here tonight - with Brenna tucked in tightly next to me - anxiously awaiting the rest of my family returning tomorrow- I am thankful and at peace.

Racially Ambiguous...

This is more of an "inside joke" in my family. My daughter and I love the new Kotex commercials - they are quite hilarious if you have not seen them... there is one with a woman who is "racially ambiguous" and therefore the marketing approach is that she appeals to everyone. I am the one in my family who is considered "racially ambiguous" - I have been asked my entire life what nationality I am. I have been told I look Greek, Hispanic, Middle Eastern, Spanish, Italian, Caucasian... it all depends on who is doing the asking. Just today at Walmart I was approached by a woman who asked me where I was from. She thought I looked European and that I looked nice - she was from Yugoslavia - and seeking employment - we talked a while. It really got me thinking . I believe that we all want to connect to the people in the world around us. We want to fit in. As much as we think we want to stand out as unique and individual - I think we really desire to just blend in - to not stand out - to feel like we belong.

I wish sometimes I was exotic and foriegn - that I could speak another language - that I could connect on another level to people when they so desparately need it. I wish I could speak Spanish - since I live in Texas. More than appearances though, I believe that we are really looking to identify with the heart of people - to find acceptance in one another's eyes. To search the heart and find love from our fellow human beings. So I am glad to call myself "racially ambiguous" so long as my heart comes across that I will reach out to all people and that in my eyes they will find acceptance and love.

I Want it, I Need it...

Going through Brenna's homework folder, I find they have been learing about "wants" vs "needs" - a very interesting concept for a 7 year old - well for any of us really. I recall both learning and teaching Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs in nursing school . The idea that we can't become "self-actualized" until our most basic needs are met. (physiological needs - food, water, air; security needs - shelter, safe environment, health care; social needs - friends, Church groups, loved ones; esteem needs - sense that we matter and finally self-actualization needs - where we finally become self-aware, concerned with personal growth, less concerned with the opinions of others and interested fulfilling our potential.

I could go on and on with a list of material things I want - don't we all have a list of those? The truth is, I don't really "want" for anything material! I have it really good - I am not deceived about this. The struggle comes in finding contentment in what I have - knowing that when my NEEDS are met - all my wants are totally fulfilled. On my hierarchy - I have every physical comfort - clean air and water, abundant food, a wonderful home, access to health care and insurance, the love of family, friends and a Church group, a job - with some sense of fullfillment and job security. So in regards to Maslow - I should be "self-actualized" - I should be on my own path to enlightenment and fulfillment - I should care less and less what others think of me - and more about what I think of myself. I should be becoming the Julie I am meant to be. Man that seems lofty!!

Here is what I am still "wanting for" and finding myself in need of.

I WANT to be closer to people - I NEED to be more loving and put myself out there
I WANT to be a great wife and mother - I NEED to be patient and humble
I WANT to be a great nurse and get my career/schooling going somewhere - I NEED to work prn right now and can't over-commit myself
I WANT to be in shape - I NEED to get my butt in gear and work out more!
I WANT my home to be neat, organized and lovely, I NEED to get organized and spend some major time doing household projects
I WANT a closer connection to God - I NEED to offer myself up in prayer and daily devotion

Surely, the list is longer and more complicated than this - but it quickly became evident to me - that again, all my wants will be satisfied when I am the Julie I am supposed to be - when I am doing that which I am supposed to be doing - when I am recognizing that my needs will satisfy my wants - that I am already everything I am intended to be...

Spring is Springing....

It has been a colder than usual winter for us here in TX. Usually come March - we are in the mid 70's every day - and opening the pool and patio and embracing the sunny, longer days. So this year - here we are on Spring break - wondering if Spring will ever really come? We have a sunny warm day, followed by a cloudy rainy day....

But with each sunny day - comes that spring cleaing urge! Time to purge through the kids clothes and replace the winter wear with spring and summer wear! Time for flip flops and time to put away the Uggs!! Time for the mitten basket to go away - and the winter jackets too!! Time to clean off the patio - get out the pool chairs, time to open windows -and to clean those windows too.

Spring just carries the symbolism of new and fresh - so it is also time to clean the cobwebs in our souls - sweep them out so that the corners of our hearts and minds can be filled with the freshness and newness of the Spirit. Time for new things, new thoughts, a new outlook.

For me - I can say that Spring is bringing a sense of contentment - and of peace. Are things perfect? No!! In some ways things just seem to be more complicated than ever - but I am moving forward with a sense that I can't change those things - just me.

I look forward to the longer days - the clean house, clean heart, clean mind.... Welcome Spring!!!

I want to let this sadness roll right over me...
until the tears I'm crying cleanse and set me free .

My thoughts they hold me captive in my doubt and in my fear.
I push away the ones I love when I wish to pull them near.

Puddles fill my heart from all the silent tears I've cried;
over loved ones that are gone and friendships that have died.

I want to move on and brush these cobwebs from my mind.
I see the world move forward - yet I am left behind.

This darkness overwhelms my soul - I feel like I can't breathe.
It seems like every door is locked - like I can never leave.

This prison is one I built myself - yet I can't find the key;
the tool, the missing piece that will set me free from - me....

The Secret

I am having one of "those days." More and more lately I am feeling like everyone I know is in on some big secret and I am the only person not in on it!! I have been questioning more and more lately who my "real" friends are. I have lost some friends over the past year - some through total fault of my own, some by theirs, some by distance - some just because I havent' tended my garden. Because, if " friends are flowers in the garden of life" - I am a terrible gardener and all of my flowers are in really sad shape - if not dead already! It is so hard to watch friends whom you have loved so much -go on to have these great relationships with your other friends - that you are no longer a part of. It tears away a piece of your heart every single day! Sometimes I even feel like a "spy" when I see glimpses of their lives unfolding via "Facebook" - so perhaps that is why I am rarely on there anymore. Perhaps the secret is just that they have gone on laughing, loving - living and I simply have not - well not entirely.

I am left asking - is it that all the people I know changed - or really just me?? I know I have changed. The past few years of life have brought forth many changes; hard times, sad times, good times, moves, new jobs, new homes, financial hardships, family issues, losses, change of roles... I don't want to lose sight of the abundant blessings - my life is rich in them and the good far outweighs the bad. Still - I didn't come through the fires of the past few years without a few burns. But is it really all me?? I tend to be the one to be full of self-blame, self-doubt - taking ownership of it all. But again, part of me feels like I am not the only one who has left the gardens unattended!

As it always is in life - I know that the storms will come. I know too, that the storms will pass. The sun will still shine. I am reminded of the great wisdom from "Kung Fu Panda" - "the secret ingredient.... is that there is NO secret ingredient!!!" So perhaps there really is not a secret that is out there - the answer lies within my own self.... and that just might be the hardest answer to find!

Darkness

Sometimes when darkness hits - it is sudden - like when someone turns the light off in a bright room. Other times it is gradual - like someone slowly turning down the dimmer switch. Still, other times - it is a giant wave that washes over you, pulling you down - then letting you up for just a gulp of air and light before pulling you back under.

Right now, I feel very tossed about by the waves. The darkness comes and goes - leaving me wondering, questioning, confused. I would say it is a normal reaction to where I am at in my life. Having had some major life changes and losses in the past year, I would expect, and do expect to have these moments. But then I am left wondering, is it more than that?

I told a friend last night that I feel unsettled and that I am unhappy - but I am not unhappy all the time. I am happy in my home, with my family, with a few close friends, by myself - in my comfort zone.

So I am left wondering when the darkness will hit, how long it will last - this time. I guess I will just make sure to leave a nightlight on!

Thoughts on a Wednesday Morning...

So today I am wrestling with my own thoughts. I am in a situation right now of deciding what to do in my job - my career. The last couple of years I have worked prn- or "as needed" night shifts in my job as a nurse - mainly because that allows me to set my own schedule - and with 3 kids, a traveling husband and taking care of my parents - I needed that flexibility. Now my kids are all in school full day, my dad is self-sufficient. My husband still travels - and my kids are busier than ever, but the reality is, that I need to work - financially. Typically I would work 2 or 3 nights (16-32 hours or so) a week. Lately though, I am lucky to work once a week because of low census and other issues. So here I am left trying to make huge decisions about where I go now. Do I look into a full or part time position, do I change jobs in the hospital, do I go elsewhere? My plan at this point was to be back in school - but right now - I need to work for a bit.

Friday night at work there was a job posting for a new unit supervisor for my department. I had heard that the prior supervisor was stepping down - but I had not considered the job. I had heard the successor had been "chosen" already - then I saw the posting - of course - it was already past he application deadline... but yesterday I started to wrestle with feeling like I was supposed to take that path - the person who I think is getting the job - is much less experienced than I am - and I am struggling with what is holding me back? My husband and friend are pushing me to call and talk to my boss anyway - my boss and I are not the best at communicating with one another - perhaps the reason I am hesitant. Regardless, I feel restless and unsettled about my job situation.

It is times like this that I wish I knew the path that I was supposed to take - that I could read the last page first - instead of having to write my story, page by page along the way to my ending.

Here is something I wrote some time ago....

What is life but a book unwritten
Blank pages waiting to be filled
Is the script already laid out before us
Or do we write it as we go along
Black ink staining the perfect white paper
Filling each line with our thoughts
Our dreams, our actions, our hopes and fears
Sometimes I long to read the last page first
To know how all of this ends
But I know that it would have no words
I have to fill all the pages before it
Making the way from my beginning
To my destiny, that is the novel of me

Lonely or Alone?

Have you ever been a room full of people and still felt all alone? This happens to me - especially in crowds. I struggle with social anxiety - I would say it is new - but it's not - I have struggled with this as long as I can remember. There have also been times when I have not struggled as much with it. Personally, though, I don't mind being alone. There are times I choose alone because I already feel lonely- and times I am still lonely even if I am not alone. Sometimes I need to be alone - alone with my own thoughts; alone - away from my kids and the chaos of my life. Sometimes I choose to be alone because I don't have to put myself out there emotionally or physically for others.

There are times that I don't want to be alone. I don't like to be alone at night - I don't like the aloneness that comes from Richard being gone. I don't like the aloneness of not having my mom. I don't like that empty feeling that comes when you think the whole world is in on some big secret that you somehow don't know - or the loneliness that comes from missing your best friend and sister - both thousands of miles away.

While I do believe that being alone is a choice - I don't think any of us chooses to feel lonely - I think we all desire to be connected to others - to have close, meaningful relationships. And I do have close relationships - but I would still say my tendency, my comfort zone - is to be alone.

I am not sure where this part of my personality comes from. An insecurity? A fear? I know it is something that I need to be ever-aware of - because it can quickly lead me down some dark roads...

Just a Day in my Life....

My days seem to be a mayhem of running my 3 children to their 3 different schools, running errands, running my household, simply running...

So this day could really be just any day in my life. I drove carpool this morning for my dear friend who just had her 4th child 3 weeks ago... My normal carpool is afternoons every other week - as I don't typically drive morning carpool anymore - this is new - picking up all 4 kids and getting them safely to school - all before 7:50 a.m. and before my coffee is done brewing! I got home in time to see my oldest child get on the bus. I sat down with a cup of coffee and watched a little of the news - checked my email. Got changed and worked out. Took a shower, ate lunch. Then errands, errands, errands. Picked Jake up at school to take him to the orthopedic surgeon -where we spent 2 hours discovering his foot and ankle are both sprained - but alas, not broken - but he gets to sport a big black airboot for at least the next 3 weeks and NO basketball and no PE! Then after leaving there - went to pick up Brenna from my friend's house (the one with the new baby - so of course, I had to kiss and love on the baby a bit) - then Allison needed something to eat since she had cross country practice after school, followed by play rehearsal - and she won't be home until 7:30 pm - so it was off to pick her up some food - drop it off at her school and then return home to make dinner. Pulled into the driveway at 5:30 - and it is game on!! (Was it ever "off"??) - fortunately I actually had a dinner plan - so pork ribs, homemade mac and cheese, baked beans, green beans and salad hit the table at 6:00 when Richard walks through the door. Clean up from dinner, take out the trash, wash dishes, check homework, sort mail, and here I am - thinking of the laundry that needs to be started, the gas I need in my Volvo (in order to drive carpool tomorrow moring) the daughter that needs picking up at school in a few minutes, the dog that is barking, the baths and showers that need to be taken, the relaxing and loving up on my husband that I would like to do.... alas that is just a day in this thing called my life - and I really wouldn't have it any other way! (well, most of the time anyway!)

Pillows, Panic and Prayer...

On this morning, I am tired.... I never sleep well when Richard is out of town - and last night was no exception. I got the kids off to school, then climbed back into my cozy bed with my cat, my dog and my coffee. Am I feeling sad or just tired? I have a million things to do - cleaning, orgainizing, phone calls, packing up my mom's things for my dad, getting some items ready for a charitable donation, excercise, life... but my bed is comfy, my coffee is hot - my dog is snuggly.

So I settle in and read my emails - trying to collect my thoughts for the day. I got a message that I have Bible group tonight and we are having a scripture reading - we are supposed to come with our "personal scripture" for 2010... panic sets in. I am not feeling very spiritual lately, and I certainly haven't given thought to my own personal "scripture" to define my life in the coming year. I know January is supposed to bring a host of New Year's resolutions - but I didn't make any. Part of me feels this sense of terror when I think of setting goals for the day - let alone the year!

My heart was drawn to this - John 14:1-3 - "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust God; trust also in me." - but my heart is troubled, and I don't feel like I trust God. Not for any valid reason - I know in my head that His promises are true - and he has not "failed me." I am reminded of the scripture that was my "rock" when I was a young Christian - Jeremiah 29:11-14 - "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and will bring you back from captivity."

I guess this is my scripture once again, because I see that I am not seeking God with all my heart. I am not praying to God so that he will listen to me. I am in captivity - captive to my own thoughts of insecurity and fear.

Sometimes it is the simplest of things... not the huge lofty goals we think we need to make - just a step in the "right" direction. I finish my coffee, leave the comfort of my pillow behind and pray that God will ease my troubles...

A New Year

So January has arrived - as it does every year! It is sad for me to take down the Christmas decorations - I love my home decorated for the holiday. It is a bittersweet thing to take the decorations all down. It feels empty, but it also seems fresh and new and clean - spaces that are waiting to be filled or made over! Kind of like my life right now. While part of me feels empty, there are the parts that are new, and fresh and clean and parts that are indeed waiting to be filled and so many to be "made over."

Last winter was hard for me - I fell into a deep depression, unlike anything I had ever experienced. Just acknowledging that I was depressed was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Telling my husband and a dear friend were just as hard, and I actually hung up on the doctor's office 2 times before calling and making an appointment. I came out of that depression- with help and medication. My doctor was so supportive, my husband was the best, I had a couple really great friends help me through that as well. But, my whole year was hard - personally, professionally, emotionally, spiritually. I had a couple surgeries last year, then my parents came - and then the loss of my mom.

I was trying to reflect on a question put forth to me just this week by a friend from Church. What was I successful at in 2009? I am filled with a sense of empty on this one. Part of me feels myself headed back down the road of depression and social anxiety and isolation- I know it is there - lurking! I am determined to be medication-free (I am not oppossed to medication - I just have done really well off of it for 6 months now - I don't want to start all over - but I do have the rx if needed!) So I wonder, what was I succesful at in 2009?? Well, personally, I lost 25-30 pounds and got more active. I worked hard to keep my family happy, and healthy - loved my kids, and my husband. I worked hard at my job, I made my home a refuge from the world for family and friends. I took care of my mom in a time of her greatest need. I sat and held her hand when she died. I tried to make a new home for my dad. I may not have given my whole heart to people - or been the friend, the hostess the person I had been in the past... but I perservered - I am still here - still faithful. So, I guess that is my success for 2009 - not so much anything that I "did" but just that I "am."

I am trying to look forward to this new year - a time to dream new dreams, set new goals, do new things, make new friends, strengthen my bonds with old friends...So I will welcome this new year, the way I welcome the new day.