The Secret

I am having one of "those days." More and more lately I am feeling like everyone I know is in on some big secret and I am the only person not in on it!! I have been questioning more and more lately who my "real" friends are. I have lost some friends over the past year - some through total fault of my own, some by theirs, some by distance - some just because I havent' tended my garden. Because, if " friends are flowers in the garden of life" - I am a terrible gardener and all of my flowers are in really sad shape - if not dead already! It is so hard to watch friends whom you have loved so much -go on to have these great relationships with your other friends - that you are no longer a part of. It tears away a piece of your heart every single day! Sometimes I even feel like a "spy" when I see glimpses of their lives unfolding via "Facebook" - so perhaps that is why I am rarely on there anymore. Perhaps the secret is just that they have gone on laughing, loving - living and I simply have not - well not entirely.

I am left asking - is it that all the people I know changed - or really just me?? I know I have changed. The past few years of life have brought forth many changes; hard times, sad times, good times, moves, new jobs, new homes, financial hardships, family issues, losses, change of roles... I don't want to lose sight of the abundant blessings - my life is rich in them and the good far outweighs the bad. Still - I didn't come through the fires of the past few years without a few burns. But is it really all me?? I tend to be the one to be full of self-blame, self-doubt - taking ownership of it all. But again, part of me feels like I am not the only one who has left the gardens unattended!

As it always is in life - I know that the storms will come. I know too, that the storms will pass. The sun will still shine. I am reminded of the great wisdom from "Kung Fu Panda" - "the secret ingredient.... is that there is NO secret ingredient!!!" So perhaps there really is not a secret that is out there - the answer lies within my own self.... and that just might be the hardest answer to find!

Darkness

Sometimes when darkness hits - it is sudden - like when someone turns the light off in a bright room. Other times it is gradual - like someone slowly turning down the dimmer switch. Still, other times - it is a giant wave that washes over you, pulling you down - then letting you up for just a gulp of air and light before pulling you back under.

Right now, I feel very tossed about by the waves. The darkness comes and goes - leaving me wondering, questioning, confused. I would say it is a normal reaction to where I am at in my life. Having had some major life changes and losses in the past year, I would expect, and do expect to have these moments. But then I am left wondering, is it more than that?

I told a friend last night that I feel unsettled and that I am unhappy - but I am not unhappy all the time. I am happy in my home, with my family, with a few close friends, by myself - in my comfort zone.

So I am left wondering when the darkness will hit, how long it will last - this time. I guess I will just make sure to leave a nightlight on!

Thoughts on a Wednesday Morning...

So today I am wrestling with my own thoughts. I am in a situation right now of deciding what to do in my job - my career. The last couple of years I have worked prn- or "as needed" night shifts in my job as a nurse - mainly because that allows me to set my own schedule - and with 3 kids, a traveling husband and taking care of my parents - I needed that flexibility. Now my kids are all in school full day, my dad is self-sufficient. My husband still travels - and my kids are busier than ever, but the reality is, that I need to work - financially. Typically I would work 2 or 3 nights (16-32 hours or so) a week. Lately though, I am lucky to work once a week because of low census and other issues. So here I am left trying to make huge decisions about where I go now. Do I look into a full or part time position, do I change jobs in the hospital, do I go elsewhere? My plan at this point was to be back in school - but right now - I need to work for a bit.

Friday night at work there was a job posting for a new unit supervisor for my department. I had heard that the prior supervisor was stepping down - but I had not considered the job. I had heard the successor had been "chosen" already - then I saw the posting - of course - it was already past he application deadline... but yesterday I started to wrestle with feeling like I was supposed to take that path - the person who I think is getting the job - is much less experienced than I am - and I am struggling with what is holding me back? My husband and friend are pushing me to call and talk to my boss anyway - my boss and I are not the best at communicating with one another - perhaps the reason I am hesitant. Regardless, I feel restless and unsettled about my job situation.

It is times like this that I wish I knew the path that I was supposed to take - that I could read the last page first - instead of having to write my story, page by page along the way to my ending.

Here is something I wrote some time ago....

What is life but a book unwritten
Blank pages waiting to be filled
Is the script already laid out before us
Or do we write it as we go along
Black ink staining the perfect white paper
Filling each line with our thoughts
Our dreams, our actions, our hopes and fears
Sometimes I long to read the last page first
To know how all of this ends
But I know that it would have no words
I have to fill all the pages before it
Making the way from my beginning
To my destiny, that is the novel of me