Lonely or Alone?

Have you ever been a room full of people and still felt all alone? This happens to me - especially in crowds. I struggle with social anxiety - I would say it is new - but it's not - I have struggled with this as long as I can remember. There have also been times when I have not struggled as much with it. Personally, though, I don't mind being alone. There are times I choose alone because I already feel lonely- and times I am still lonely even if I am not alone. Sometimes I need to be alone - alone with my own thoughts; alone - away from my kids and the chaos of my life. Sometimes I choose to be alone because I don't have to put myself out there emotionally or physically for others.

There are times that I don't want to be alone. I don't like to be alone at night - I don't like the aloneness that comes from Richard being gone. I don't like the aloneness of not having my mom. I don't like that empty feeling that comes when you think the whole world is in on some big secret that you somehow don't know - or the loneliness that comes from missing your best friend and sister - both thousands of miles away.

While I do believe that being alone is a choice - I don't think any of us chooses to feel lonely - I think we all desire to be connected to others - to have close, meaningful relationships. And I do have close relationships - but I would still say my tendency, my comfort zone - is to be alone.

I am not sure where this part of my personality comes from. An insecurity? A fear? I know it is something that I need to be ever-aware of - because it can quickly lead me down some dark roads...

Just a Day in my Life....

My days seem to be a mayhem of running my 3 children to their 3 different schools, running errands, running my household, simply running...

So this day could really be just any day in my life. I drove carpool this morning for my dear friend who just had her 4th child 3 weeks ago... My normal carpool is afternoons every other week - as I don't typically drive morning carpool anymore - this is new - picking up all 4 kids and getting them safely to school - all before 7:50 a.m. and before my coffee is done brewing! I got home in time to see my oldest child get on the bus. I sat down with a cup of coffee and watched a little of the news - checked my email. Got changed and worked out. Took a shower, ate lunch. Then errands, errands, errands. Picked Jake up at school to take him to the orthopedic surgeon -where we spent 2 hours discovering his foot and ankle are both sprained - but alas, not broken - but he gets to sport a big black airboot for at least the next 3 weeks and NO basketball and no PE! Then after leaving there - went to pick up Brenna from my friend's house (the one with the new baby - so of course, I had to kiss and love on the baby a bit) - then Allison needed something to eat since she had cross country practice after school, followed by play rehearsal - and she won't be home until 7:30 pm - so it was off to pick her up some food - drop it off at her school and then return home to make dinner. Pulled into the driveway at 5:30 - and it is game on!! (Was it ever "off"??) - fortunately I actually had a dinner plan - so pork ribs, homemade mac and cheese, baked beans, green beans and salad hit the table at 6:00 when Richard walks through the door. Clean up from dinner, take out the trash, wash dishes, check homework, sort mail, and here I am - thinking of the laundry that needs to be started, the gas I need in my Volvo (in order to drive carpool tomorrow moring) the daughter that needs picking up at school in a few minutes, the dog that is barking, the baths and showers that need to be taken, the relaxing and loving up on my husband that I would like to do.... alas that is just a day in this thing called my life - and I really wouldn't have it any other way! (well, most of the time anyway!)

Pillows, Panic and Prayer...

On this morning, I am tired.... I never sleep well when Richard is out of town - and last night was no exception. I got the kids off to school, then climbed back into my cozy bed with my cat, my dog and my coffee. Am I feeling sad or just tired? I have a million things to do - cleaning, orgainizing, phone calls, packing up my mom's things for my dad, getting some items ready for a charitable donation, excercise, life... but my bed is comfy, my coffee is hot - my dog is snuggly.

So I settle in and read my emails - trying to collect my thoughts for the day. I got a message that I have Bible group tonight and we are having a scripture reading - we are supposed to come with our "personal scripture" for 2010... panic sets in. I am not feeling very spiritual lately, and I certainly haven't given thought to my own personal "scripture" to define my life in the coming year. I know January is supposed to bring a host of New Year's resolutions - but I didn't make any. Part of me feels this sense of terror when I think of setting goals for the day - let alone the year!

My heart was drawn to this - John 14:1-3 - "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust God; trust also in me." - but my heart is troubled, and I don't feel like I trust God. Not for any valid reason - I know in my head that His promises are true - and he has not "failed me." I am reminded of the scripture that was my "rock" when I was a young Christian - Jeremiah 29:11-14 - "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and will bring you back from captivity."

I guess this is my scripture once again, because I see that I am not seeking God with all my heart. I am not praying to God so that he will listen to me. I am in captivity - captive to my own thoughts of insecurity and fear.

Sometimes it is the simplest of things... not the huge lofty goals we think we need to make - just a step in the "right" direction. I finish my coffee, leave the comfort of my pillow behind and pray that God will ease my troubles...

A New Year

So January has arrived - as it does every year! It is sad for me to take down the Christmas decorations - I love my home decorated for the holiday. It is a bittersweet thing to take the decorations all down. It feels empty, but it also seems fresh and new and clean - spaces that are waiting to be filled or made over! Kind of like my life right now. While part of me feels empty, there are the parts that are new, and fresh and clean and parts that are indeed waiting to be filled and so many to be "made over."

Last winter was hard for me - I fell into a deep depression, unlike anything I had ever experienced. Just acknowledging that I was depressed was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Telling my husband and a dear friend were just as hard, and I actually hung up on the doctor's office 2 times before calling and making an appointment. I came out of that depression- with help and medication. My doctor was so supportive, my husband was the best, I had a couple really great friends help me through that as well. But, my whole year was hard - personally, professionally, emotionally, spiritually. I had a couple surgeries last year, then my parents came - and then the loss of my mom.

I was trying to reflect on a question put forth to me just this week by a friend from Church. What was I successful at in 2009? I am filled with a sense of empty on this one. Part of me feels myself headed back down the road of depression and social anxiety and isolation- I know it is there - lurking! I am determined to be medication-free (I am not oppossed to medication - I just have done really well off of it for 6 months now - I don't want to start all over - but I do have the rx if needed!) So I wonder, what was I succesful at in 2009?? Well, personally, I lost 25-30 pounds and got more active. I worked hard to keep my family happy, and healthy - loved my kids, and my husband. I worked hard at my job, I made my home a refuge from the world for family and friends. I took care of my mom in a time of her greatest need. I sat and held her hand when she died. I tried to make a new home for my dad. I may not have given my whole heart to people - or been the friend, the hostess the person I had been in the past... but I perservered - I am still here - still faithful. So, I guess that is my success for 2009 - not so much anything that I "did" but just that I "am."

I am trying to look forward to this new year - a time to dream new dreams, set new goals, do new things, make new friends, strengthen my bonds with old friends...So I will welcome this new year, the way I welcome the new day.