As I sit here thinking that two years ago tomorrow marks the loss of my mom - I can't help but think how much more I have missed her presence this year. So many things I know would have been different if my mom was here.
My sister had her baby this year - her long awaited, miracle baby! My mom missed it - my mom, the baby whisperer!!! The pregnancy - the shower - the delivery - all of it. We reminisced about how mom would have had the shower - complete with "finger rolls" and fruit dip - her classics!! We laughed and cried over the absence of my mom for that celebration - and friends and family did their best to ease her absence in showering my sister and Grace with everything she could need/want!!
My sister then spent 2 months in the hospital after Grace's early arrival - fighting for her life - while her beautiful baby, Grace, went home - a time I so wish my mom had been here! I know that my mom would have taken care of that baby and my sister with every ounce of her being. My mom would have kept that bedside vigil - my mom would have held that baby, my mom would have been the caregiver, the mom, the grandma...
Instead - we made the best of a hard situation. I am so thankful for Seth's family. For the love and sacrifice of their time for LeAnn and Grace. I am thankful I was able to be there for my sister's early days in the ICU and for her first days home!! Still - there is a sadness in the absence of Grammie Betty.
I am left saddened that my sister didn't have our mom for this momentous occassion, for the struggles that have come since and for Grace to know and love and make memories with.
Losing my mom left a hole in my heart and life - my mom was a burst of energy. She loved family - loved children, loved holiday gatherings...I can see her in her apron making her sweet rolls! I miss her business, her crazy antics, her non-stop personality.
In reality - I know that is not who mom was at the end of her life...she was so frail, so broken - so sad. She couldn't do the things she loved anymore - the things that "defined" her...hold a baby, talk!!, laugh, cook, eat...I guess I am missing my mom BEFORE the ALS robbed her of her life - wishing that this disease didn't take my mom from not so much me - but from my sister and Grace!!
There are moments of peace in knowing my mom's suffering ended - but such moments of loss for what we no longer have - the wife, mother, grandmother, friend, sister, auntie, foster mom, daycare provider, cook, hostess...
In loving memory of my mom - Betty Greenleaf - 3/24/1939 - 11/16/2009
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Thursday, November 18, 2010
A Time of Remembrance...
A year has passed since you parted.
It hardly seems possible.
Like a passing breeze
or the ripple of a wave before it crashes on the shore.
Here, and then gone.
Time has moved forward.
FAST forward!
In some ways I have moved forward too.
Yet in other ways, at other times - I feel stuck.
Sometimes, sadness comes and envelops me in darkness...
But, more often, it doesn't.
And that is almost harder.
In the sadness, I see you.
I remember you.
I keep your memory alive.
In moving on, I feel I may forget,
everything that you were,
all that you meant.
So, today I am taking a moment
to sit and remember.
To give myself permission
to simply be...
Happy or sad - I know that it doesn't change
anything about you.
It hardly seems possible.
Like a passing breeze
or the ripple of a wave before it crashes on the shore.
Here, and then gone.
Time has moved forward.
FAST forward!
In some ways I have moved forward too.
Yet in other ways, at other times - I feel stuck.
Sometimes, sadness comes and envelops me in darkness...
But, more often, it doesn't.
And that is almost harder.
In the sadness, I see you.
I remember you.
I keep your memory alive.
In moving on, I feel I may forget,
everything that you were,
all that you meant.
So, today I am taking a moment
to sit and remember.
To give myself permission
to simply be...
Happy or sad - I know that it doesn't change
anything about you.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Just Some Ramblings on a Bad Day!
Have you ever had a friendship that just ended - badly? I have...
I had a friend in my life that on many occassions I layed my life down for. It was a difficult friendship but I loved her with my whole heart. But, things happen - we are NOT perfect people. I am NOT a perfect person - I fail! Badly! So I would say we are no longer friends - but we run in the same circles and see each other weekly and each time I do, I feel every good thing drain out of me - I become sad with her very presence in a room - and I cry at sound of her name - that makes me angry and resentful and bitter - and I confess I don't like it at all! I don't like that I give up a piece of who I am to her - that I let my happiness reside in a place it doesn't belong!
Over a year ago now, I spent some time in a deep depression and have shared that openly - it was during this time our friendship went badly. She had major life needs - she needed me - and I let her down. I tried to apologize...but have never truly felt forgiven. I hate that I let this person have this power over me - things in my life are good - I am happy! So why today?? Why did she have to enter my home and treat me badly and bring back those sad feelings all over again? Why does everyone else love her so and are so drawn to her?
I can't help but take it personally - that I am not worthy of her friendship - but that others are - that I am not worthy of civility even. I keep thinking I am past the point where it matters anymore...that I can't control her - that I have to move forward with the sense that I can't control how others behave, whom others love and how and when people offer forgiveness. But I guess I learned today - I am not over it - it is still so painful.
I am not trying to air some "dirty laundry" - my intent is not to make this person feel bad - or feel anything at all. And please understand - I am not blaming her for our relationship ending - I own that as my doing. I am just feeling extremely sad and trying to work through it. So this is the ramlings of my heart and mind at the moment.
The message I am trying to send myself lately is that I am a smart, beautiful woman - I don't need to define myself by how much I have, my weight, my job, my friends, my car, my home, my kids or my husband, or my level of commitment to my Church, - I am trying to tell myself that I can just be me - and that I am enough!! I hate set-backs - I hate having this self-doubt and insecurtiy!!
I had a friend in my life that on many occassions I layed my life down for. It was a difficult friendship but I loved her with my whole heart. But, things happen - we are NOT perfect people. I am NOT a perfect person - I fail! Badly! So I would say we are no longer friends - but we run in the same circles and see each other weekly and each time I do, I feel every good thing drain out of me - I become sad with her very presence in a room - and I cry at sound of her name - that makes me angry and resentful and bitter - and I confess I don't like it at all! I don't like that I give up a piece of who I am to her - that I let my happiness reside in a place it doesn't belong!
Over a year ago now, I spent some time in a deep depression and have shared that openly - it was during this time our friendship went badly. She had major life needs - she needed me - and I let her down. I tried to apologize...but have never truly felt forgiven. I hate that I let this person have this power over me - things in my life are good - I am happy! So why today?? Why did she have to enter my home and treat me badly and bring back those sad feelings all over again? Why does everyone else love her so and are so drawn to her?
I can't help but take it personally - that I am not worthy of her friendship - but that others are - that I am not worthy of civility even. I keep thinking I am past the point where it matters anymore...that I can't control her - that I have to move forward with the sense that I can't control how others behave, whom others love and how and when people offer forgiveness. But I guess I learned today - I am not over it - it is still so painful.
I am not trying to air some "dirty laundry" - my intent is not to make this person feel bad - or feel anything at all. And please understand - I am not blaming her for our relationship ending - I own that as my doing. I am just feeling extremely sad and trying to work through it. So this is the ramlings of my heart and mind at the moment.
The message I am trying to send myself lately is that I am a smart, beautiful woman - I don't need to define myself by how much I have, my weight, my job, my friends, my car, my home, my kids or my husband, or my level of commitment to my Church, - I am trying to tell myself that I can just be me - and that I am enough!! I hate set-backs - I hate having this self-doubt and insecurtiy!!
Friday, August 20, 2010
The end of Summer - The end of the longest year...
Summer is winding down - school is about to begin and I am reflecting that this August marks the one year anniversary of my parents moving here to Texas. This was a year that forever changed all of us.
The obvious is that my mom died this past year. But it is so much more than that. The countless hours spent caring for mom - the tears cried, the sleep lost, the job drama I had to go through, the redefining our family with my dad. The kids adjusting to having my parents here - and then to not having my mom. Redefining friendships.
On top of all of that - I went through a couple surgeries - and recoveries - and some major weight gain - eck! I battled my own demons of loneliness and depression - of self-doubt and insecurity. I questioned my place in Church, in my job, in the world. Even now, I am about to have another surgery - and am changing jobs! So it seems that the change and uncertainty and "drama" just never end around here.
So here I am one year later...on the cusp of my kids starting 2nd, 6th and 8th grade - my dad is feeling better - and doing okay. I quit my job!! I am getting ready to start a new career/job. This is all unfamiliar territory - but an adventure in the making for sure! I have not worked full time M-F 8a-5p EVER in my career as a nurse - and certainly not since having children.
We just returned home from an impromptu vacation - spurred by me changing jobs - and having a little "extra" money from refinancing our house. Sometimes the good things fall into our laps when we aren't looking, aren't expecting...
In all that this last year has brought to us - stress, heartache, love, laughter, trying times, sadness, loss, gain, weakness, strength...it has brought us here - to a new start - a new school year, a new job - a new beginning - very different than where we were one year ago today. It is with some sadness that we move forward - that is ever-present - but more so we move forward with a sense of expectation of the good that is to come.
The obvious is that my mom died this past year. But it is so much more than that. The countless hours spent caring for mom - the tears cried, the sleep lost, the job drama I had to go through, the redefining our family with my dad. The kids adjusting to having my parents here - and then to not having my mom. Redefining friendships.
On top of all of that - I went through a couple surgeries - and recoveries - and some major weight gain - eck! I battled my own demons of loneliness and depression - of self-doubt and insecurity. I questioned my place in Church, in my job, in the world. Even now, I am about to have another surgery - and am changing jobs! So it seems that the change and uncertainty and "drama" just never end around here.
So here I am one year later...on the cusp of my kids starting 2nd, 6th and 8th grade - my dad is feeling better - and doing okay. I quit my job!! I am getting ready to start a new career/job. This is all unfamiliar territory - but an adventure in the making for sure! I have not worked full time M-F 8a-5p EVER in my career as a nurse - and certainly not since having children.
We just returned home from an impromptu vacation - spurred by me changing jobs - and having a little "extra" money from refinancing our house. Sometimes the good things fall into our laps when we aren't looking, aren't expecting...
In all that this last year has brought to us - stress, heartache, love, laughter, trying times, sadness, loss, gain, weakness, strength...it has brought us here - to a new start - a new school year, a new job - a new beginning - very different than where we were one year ago today. It is with some sadness that we move forward - that is ever-present - but more so we move forward with a sense of expectation of the good that is to come.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Reflections on a Summer Day...
It has been quite a while since I have written anything. Life has settled into a quiet chaos - and I am feeling more at peace with my life.
I spent last week at summer Church camp with Brenna - both of our first times to go. This week it has just been her and I while the rest of the family is at Church camp. I have been filled with a sense of how good life is.
As we played with friends in our pool - I was filled with a gratitude for this life I have been given. The priveledge it is to be my kids mom, and Richard's wife. A welcome relief that I could be off work this week and that Richard could volunteer his time (and take a week's vacation from work) to serve the kids at camp. I know that I have been entrusted with much in my life - and thus I need to be a good steward of all these blessings. In the simplicity of just floating in my pool - I am grateful that I have this home, this family, this crazy life to call my own.
My dad has not been feeling well - quite often dizzy and short of breath. I spent the morning at the dr. with him - to find out he needs a pacemaker for an abnormal heart rhythm - and pauses in his heart rate/rhythm lasting nearly 3 seconds. At times I can feel so overwhelmed with my dad living here - and then I am reminded how short and fragile life is - and to relish this time - to embrace what I have been given.
There are still hard days, there are still sad moments - sometimes I just don't know when they will come - but they are coming less often.
Lying here tonight - with Brenna tucked in tightly next to me - anxiously awaiting the rest of my family returning tomorrow- I am thankful and at peace.
I spent last week at summer Church camp with Brenna - both of our first times to go. This week it has just been her and I while the rest of the family is at Church camp. I have been filled with a sense of how good life is.
As we played with friends in our pool - I was filled with a gratitude for this life I have been given. The priveledge it is to be my kids mom, and Richard's wife. A welcome relief that I could be off work this week and that Richard could volunteer his time (and take a week's vacation from work) to serve the kids at camp. I know that I have been entrusted with much in my life - and thus I need to be a good steward of all these blessings. In the simplicity of just floating in my pool - I am grateful that I have this home, this family, this crazy life to call my own.
My dad has not been feeling well - quite often dizzy and short of breath. I spent the morning at the dr. with him - to find out he needs a pacemaker for an abnormal heart rhythm - and pauses in his heart rate/rhythm lasting nearly 3 seconds. At times I can feel so overwhelmed with my dad living here - and then I am reminded how short and fragile life is - and to relish this time - to embrace what I have been given.
There are still hard days, there are still sad moments - sometimes I just don't know when they will come - but they are coming less often.
Lying here tonight - with Brenna tucked in tightly next to me - anxiously awaiting the rest of my family returning tomorrow- I am thankful and at peace.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Racially Ambiguous...
This is more of an "inside joke" in my family. My daughter and I love the new Kotex commercials - they are quite hilarious if you have not seen them... there is one with a woman who is "racially ambiguous" and therefore the marketing approach is that she appeals to everyone. I am the one in my family who is considered "racially ambiguous" - I have been asked my entire life what nationality I am. I have been told I look Greek, Hispanic, Middle Eastern, Spanish, Italian, Caucasian... it all depends on who is doing the asking. Just today at Walmart I was approached by a woman who asked me where I was from. She thought I looked European and that I looked nice - she was from Yugoslavia - and seeking employment - we talked a while. It really got me thinking . I believe that we all want to connect to the people in the world around us. We want to fit in. As much as we think we want to stand out as unique and individual - I think we really desire to just blend in - to not stand out - to feel like we belong.
I wish sometimes I was exotic and foriegn - that I could speak another language - that I could connect on another level to people when they so desparately need it. I wish I could speak Spanish - since I live in Texas. More than appearances though, I believe that we are really looking to identify with the heart of people - to find acceptance in one another's eyes. To search the heart and find love from our fellow human beings. So I am glad to call myself "racially ambiguous" so long as my heart comes across that I will reach out to all people and that in my eyes they will find acceptance and love.
I wish sometimes I was exotic and foriegn - that I could speak another language - that I could connect on another level to people when they so desparately need it. I wish I could speak Spanish - since I live in Texas. More than appearances though, I believe that we are really looking to identify with the heart of people - to find acceptance in one another's eyes. To search the heart and find love from our fellow human beings. So I am glad to call myself "racially ambiguous" so long as my heart comes across that I will reach out to all people and that in my eyes they will find acceptance and love.
Monday, April 5, 2010
I Want it, I Need it...
Going through Brenna's homework folder, I find they have been learing about "wants" vs "needs" - a very interesting concept for a 7 year old - well for any of us really. I recall both learning and teaching Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs in nursing school . The idea that we can't become "self-actualized" until our most basic needs are met. (physiological needs - food, water, air; security needs - shelter, safe environment, health care; social needs - friends, Church groups, loved ones; esteem needs - sense that we matter and finally self-actualization needs - where we finally become self-aware, concerned with personal growth, less concerned with the opinions of others and interested fulfilling our potential.
I could go on and on with a list of material things I want - don't we all have a list of those? The truth is, I don't really "want" for anything material! I have it really good - I am not deceived about this. The struggle comes in finding contentment in what I have - knowing that when my NEEDS are met - all my wants are totally fulfilled. On my hierarchy - I have every physical comfort - clean air and water, abundant food, a wonderful home, access to health care and insurance, the love of family, friends and a Church group, a job - with some sense of fullfillment and job security. So in regards to Maslow - I should be "self-actualized" - I should be on my own path to enlightenment and fulfillment - I should care less and less what others think of me - and more about what I think of myself. I should be becoming the Julie I am meant to be. Man that seems lofty!!
Here is what I am still "wanting for" and finding myself in need of.
I WANT to be closer to people - I NEED to be more loving and put myself out there
I WANT to be a great wife and mother - I NEED to be patient and humble
I WANT to be a great nurse and get my career/schooling going somewhere - I NEED to work prn right now and can't over-commit myself
I WANT to be in shape - I NEED to get my butt in gear and work out more!
I WANT my home to be neat, organized and lovely, I NEED to get organized and spend some major time doing household projects
I WANT a closer connection to God - I NEED to offer myself up in prayer and daily devotion
Surely, the list is longer and more complicated than this - but it quickly became evident to me - that again, all my wants will be satisfied when I am the Julie I am supposed to be - when I am doing that which I am supposed to be doing - when I am recognizing that my needs will satisfy my wants - that I am already everything I am intended to be...
I could go on and on with a list of material things I want - don't we all have a list of those? The truth is, I don't really "want" for anything material! I have it really good - I am not deceived about this. The struggle comes in finding contentment in what I have - knowing that when my NEEDS are met - all my wants are totally fulfilled. On my hierarchy - I have every physical comfort - clean air and water, abundant food, a wonderful home, access to health care and insurance, the love of family, friends and a Church group, a job - with some sense of fullfillment and job security. So in regards to Maslow - I should be "self-actualized" - I should be on my own path to enlightenment and fulfillment - I should care less and less what others think of me - and more about what I think of myself. I should be becoming the Julie I am meant to be. Man that seems lofty!!
Here is what I am still "wanting for" and finding myself in need of.
I WANT to be closer to people - I NEED to be more loving and put myself out there
I WANT to be a great wife and mother - I NEED to be patient and humble
I WANT to be a great nurse and get my career/schooling going somewhere - I NEED to work prn right now and can't over-commit myself
I WANT to be in shape - I NEED to get my butt in gear and work out more!
I WANT my home to be neat, organized and lovely, I NEED to get organized and spend some major time doing household projects
I WANT a closer connection to God - I NEED to offer myself up in prayer and daily devotion
Surely, the list is longer and more complicated than this - but it quickly became evident to me - that again, all my wants will be satisfied when I am the Julie I am supposed to be - when I am doing that which I am supposed to be doing - when I am recognizing that my needs will satisfy my wants - that I am already everything I am intended to be...
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