I am having one of "those days." More and more lately I am feeling like everyone I know is in on some big secret and I am the only person not in on it!! I have been questioning more and more lately who my "real" friends are. I have lost some friends over the past year - some through total fault of my own, some by theirs, some by distance - some just because I havent' tended my garden. Because, if " friends are flowers in the garden of life" - I am a terrible gardener and all of my flowers are in really sad shape - if not dead already! It is so hard to watch friends whom you have loved so much -go on to have these great relationships with your other friends - that you are no longer a part of. It tears away a piece of your heart every single day! Sometimes I even feel like a "spy" when I see glimpses of their lives unfolding via "Facebook" - so perhaps that is why I am rarely on there anymore. Perhaps the secret is just that they have gone on laughing, loving - living and I simply have not - well not entirely.
I am left asking - is it that all the people I know changed - or really just me?? I know I have changed. The past few years of life have brought forth many changes; hard times, sad times, good times, moves, new jobs, new homes, financial hardships, family issues, losses, change of roles... I don't want to lose sight of the abundant blessings - my life is rich in them and the good far outweighs the bad. Still - I didn't come through the fires of the past few years without a few burns. But is it really all me?? I tend to be the one to be full of self-blame, self-doubt - taking ownership of it all. But again, part of me feels like I am not the only one who has left the gardens unattended!
As it always is in life - I know that the storms will come. I know too, that the storms will pass. The sun will still shine. I am reminded of the great wisdom from "Kung Fu Panda" - "the secret ingredient.... is that there is NO secret ingredient!!!" So perhaps there really is not a secret that is out there - the answer lies within my own self.... and that just might be the hardest answer to find!
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Oh, Julie. I so know what you are talking about here, all of it, the ownership, the questions, the pain of seeing friends just drop you from their lives. It's that grief, coupled with the grief of losing our mothers that has been shattering, and it goes unrecognized by so many. I'm so sorry you've had losses on top of losses. ((hugs))
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