As I sit here thinking that two years ago tomorrow marks the loss of my mom - I can't help but think how much more I have missed her presence this year. So many things I know would have been different if my mom was here.
My sister had her baby this year - her long awaited, miracle baby! My mom missed it - my mom, the baby whisperer!!! The pregnancy - the shower - the delivery - all of it. We reminisced about how mom would have had the shower - complete with "finger rolls" and fruit dip - her classics!! We laughed and cried over the absence of my mom for that celebration - and friends and family did their best to ease her absence in showering my sister and Grace with everything she could need/want!!
My sister then spent 2 months in the hospital after Grace's early arrival - fighting for her life - while her beautiful baby, Grace, went home - a time I so wish my mom had been here! I know that my mom would have taken care of that baby and my sister with every ounce of her being. My mom would have kept that bedside vigil - my mom would have held that baby, my mom would have been the caregiver, the mom, the grandma...
Instead - we made the best of a hard situation. I am so thankful for Seth's family. For the love and sacrifice of their time for LeAnn and Grace. I am thankful I was able to be there for my sister's early days in the ICU and for her first days home!! Still - there is a sadness in the absence of Grammie Betty.
I am left saddened that my sister didn't have our mom for this momentous occassion, for the struggles that have come since and for Grace to know and love and make memories with.
Losing my mom left a hole in my heart and life - my mom was a burst of energy. She loved family - loved children, loved holiday gatherings...I can see her in her apron making her sweet rolls! I miss her business, her crazy antics, her non-stop personality.
In reality - I know that is not who mom was at the end of her life...she was so frail, so broken - so sad. She couldn't do the things she loved anymore - the things that "defined" her...hold a baby, talk!!, laugh, cook, eat...I guess I am missing my mom BEFORE the ALS robbed her of her life - wishing that this disease didn't take my mom from not so much me - but from my sister and Grace!!
There are moments of peace in knowing my mom's suffering ended - but such moments of loss for what we no longer have - the wife, mother, grandmother, friend, sister, auntie, foster mom, daycare provider, cook, hostess...
In loving memory of my mom - Betty Greenleaf - 3/24/1939 - 11/16/2009
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